I wanted him to hit me
by Pruhana
Summary: He wished grandpa wasn't biased. He wished his brother wasn't so lovable. He wished those bullies hadn't marked him a loser. He wished the man he thought he loved hadn't branded him a failure. "Lovi, per favore, give yourself another chance. We'll work this out, I promise we will…" Abused!Lovino Spamano ONE-SHOT


_Disclaimer: I don't own Hetalia, and any of its characters and plots._

_Writing prompt from writeworld on Tumblr._

_**I wanted him to hit me**_

* * *

_"It's Feliciano you care about!"_

Even as he said it, he knew it wasn't true. Antonio said it wasn't true.

Again, again he said something he shouldn't have.

Again, he broke his promise to try.

Lovino could see it in Antonio's eyes, the pain, frustration and utter exasperation at the shouted accusation and wanted to rip his hair out.

Instead of holding the elder man's gaze, the Italian whipped around, fists held tightly behind his neck to restrain himself from lashing out at something. Preferably something breakable.

"Lovi-"

"Fuck fuck fuck!" He interrupted, angrily biting his lower lip.

Again, again, he let his own words bring himself down.

Warm arms slipped around him in a constricting hug. "Lovi, it's ok, it's ok…"

The tears burned in his eyes, trying to escape. Antonio was too good for him.

"_Te quiero, _Lovi_, mi carino, te quiero…_"

Lovino broke, a strangled whine escaping his lips as he sunk to the ground. He sobbed, apologising, "_Mi_ _dispiace, l-__lo__siento_…"

Was he apologising to Antonio? Or to himself?

'I'm sorry that I am such a failure?'_No no, he wasn't supposed to think that._

'I'm sorry I'm the least favourite grandchild?' _Stop._

'I'm sorry I wasn't desired?' _Shut up, shut up._

'I'm sorry I believed their words?' _…stop._

'I'm sorry for upsetting Antonio?' _…_

Lovino clung to Antonio's strong arms, his whole body shaking with infuriated cries.

"I want to s-stop! _Lo __siento_, I'll try… I promise I'll-"

"It's ok, Lovi. I'm here, _ti __amo_…" Antonio rocked him, pressing light kisses to the side of his face.

Blessed Antonio, forgiving him again. Ever, ever so forgiving…

"T-this is just so fucking frustrating!"

He wished grandpa wasn't biased.

He wished his brother wasn't so lovable.

He wished those bullies hadn't marked him a loser.

He wished the man he thought he loved hadn't branded him a failure.

"Lovi, _per favore,_ give yourself another chance. We'll work this out, I promise we will…" Antonio cooed into his ear. His hand tenderly stroked his hair.

Lovino wordlessly nodded, clinging to the man. Antonio was his anchor, the only physical reassurance he had to remind him of those intangible, warm feelings he once thought was so far from his reach.

_'It is here,'_ he reminded himself for the nth time, '_Antonio is here and he loves me. He loves me…_'

Words meant nothing, but the last year and a half had proven to him how dedicated Antonio was to his recovery. Each morning, he would wake him up with a smile and a kiss (_'Te quiero, mi Lovinito~'_). He would check on his lover throughout the day (as annoying as that may be), making sure he was alright at work, that he had someone to rant to if his colleagues slack off, that he was waiting for him to return from his shift... And each night, he would kiss his blemishes, his scars, assuring the Italian that it was ok, _it's ok to show me, mi amor. _

Antonio knew his flaws, knew his past and accepted them as he accepted him. He loved it all, he said, he loved everything that made up 'Lovino' and took every opportunity to tell Lovino that.

_Lovino was loved, adored and cherished. _

A year and a half later, Lovino was on his way to recovery. At least that's what he thinks until the occasional slip ups.

Each time he did, Lovino feels like he's been wasting Antonio's time, that he just returned to square one.

Each time he did that, Lovino wished Antonio would just beat it into him.

* * *

_A/N: "It is here," to Lovino refers to the concept of warmth/love/feelings of love/Antonio/peace/non-violent days/safety. Then again it could mean anything! Up to your own interpretation!_

_Some parts of the vocalised lines doesn't make sense, continuity-wise, but I meant for it to be that way. They are both just saying what they think their lovers need at the frame of time, regardless of how much sense they are making. And yes, Antonio switched to Italian halfway. I didn't misspell Spanish xD If I'm not clear about anything, tell me and I'll explain/correct it!_

_Please review and tell me what you think! I don't mind flames, any criticism is a good criticism to me._


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